Hiring an Au Pair: What Changed for Our Family (and What I Wish I'd Known)
I used to think an au pair was for other people. The kind of people with big budgets and bigger houses. Not us.
Then I was at lunch with a friend, a woman I respect a lot, who runs a Christian women's ministry. I told her the truth. We needed a nanny, or really a house manager, someone consistent and on call, because Paul travels constantly for work, I was buried in a book project, and neither set of grandparents could step in.
She just looked at me and said, "You should get an au pair."
I laughed. I thought people who did that were a different kind of family than mine. But she had employed one for five years and called it a game changer. So I looked into it. And it turned out to be one of the better decisions we've made as a family, not because it was easy, but because it was right for this season.
If you're weighing hiring an au pair for your own family, here is everything I learned, the good and the hard, from cost to schedule to how we actually chose the right person to live with us.
What is an au pair, really
An au pair is a young adult, usually with a four-year degree, who comes to live with your family through a cultural exchange visa. They help with childcare and light household tasks in exchange for room, board, a weekly stipend, and the chance to experience life in the United States.
It is not the same as a nanny. And that difference matters more than people expect.
Au pair vs nanny: the difference that actually mattered to us
Before we looked into an au pair, we tried a nanny agency. It was a bad experience. It fell apart fast.
Here is the honest comparison, from someone who has lived both sides.
Cost. Nannies in our area run about $30 an hour. That adds up fast, especially with an odd schedule like ours. An au pair costs a placement fee up front, roughly $10,000 through our agency, plus a weekly stipend and her room and board. It sounds like a lot at once, but weighed against a full year of nanny hours, it was not close.
Flexibility. This was the real reason we chose an au pair. With a nanny, you cannot easily ask for two hours in the morning and a return trip that evening. It is not how their schedule or their commute works. Our au pair lives with us. If Paul gets called in for something last minute and I need her to stay later, she can, because she is already home. She does not have to drive anywhere.
Consistency. A nanny comes and goes. An au pair becomes part of your daily rhythm, and honestly, part of your family.
If you are trying to decide between an au pair and a nanny, ask yourself one question: do I need someone for a set shift, or do I need someone who can flex with a life that does not run on a set shift? Our life does not. That answer settled it for us.
How much does an au pair cost
People ask me this more than anything else, so let me just lay it out plainly.
Placement fee:
Around $10,000, one time, covering her flight, visa, and paperwork
Weekly stipend:
The agency recommends $250 for 45 hours of work. We give ours $350, because we wanted to
Room and board:
You provide her food and a private room and bathroom
Extras:
We cover a gym membership, use of a family car, and a monthly rideshare stipend
All in, our monthly cost lands somewhere between $1,000 and $2,000, not counting the upfront placement fee. For comparison, daycare for one of our three kids alone runs about $2,500 a month here. In Minnesota, my friend Julie tells me centers run $2,000 to $3,500 a month, and most have waiting lists on top of that.
It is not free help. But if you have the physical space in your home, it can be the more sensible choice financially, not just the more flexible one.
How we found the right person
Finding an au pair felt a little like a dating app, honestly. You look at profiles. Where someone is from. What they studied. What they are passionate about. You also fill out a questionnaire, and the agency matches your values and personality to a short list of candidates.
I knew I wanted someone educated, and specifically someone with special needs experience, because my boys are accident prone and Harris has autism. Our au pair, Fernanda, is a registered nurse from Brazil. The moment I talked to her, I just knew. My husband wanted to keep looking at more profiles. I told him I had a feeling about her. Sometimes you just know.
If you are building your own village of support, whether that is a nanny, an au pair, or a mix of both, it helps to get specific about what your family actually needs instead of what looks good on paper. I wrote more about that in building a support network for neurodivergent parenting, if that is a season you are in too.
Questions to ask an au pair before you say yes
If you are further along in the process, here is what I actually asked, and what I would ask again:
Why do you want to come to the United States?
Fernanda wanted to learn English so she could teach it back home in Brazil. That told me she had a real purpose, not just an escape.
What have you done with children before, and what do you enjoy doing with them?
I found out Fernanda was a swim instructor in Brazil. We have a pool. That mattered.
Tell me about your family.
Her mother is a nurse. Her father is in the military. That explained a lot about how she carries herself.
How would you handle this specific situation?
I walked her through real scenarios, like managing all three kids alone if Paul and I were both away.
Do you actually want to live here, in this city?
Not just in America in general. If someone does not want to be in your specific town, that will show up later.
We also created a family handbook before Fernanda arrived. It laid out our house rules, how we handle conflict, curfew expectations, and a clear picture of each child's personality, since Jonah is hard-headed, Isla does not yet speak, and Harris is a picky eater who needs routine. It gave her a real head start instead of learning us the hard way.
What the schedule and requirements actually look like
Au pairs fall under Department of Labor rules. A few things to know going in:
Up to 45 hours of work per week
One full day off every week
One full weekend off every month
A college-level course required during their stay (Fernanda takes English classes)
The agency handles background checks, home inspections, and training before your au pair arrives, and provides a local contact for support once they are here
Our schedule is a split shift. Fernanda helps from 7 to 9 in the morning, getting the younger two up and ready and making breakfast and lunch for Harris, and again from 3 until 7:30 or 8 in the evening.
Shop our favorite bamboo pajamas, by a woman owned small business, we've loved for bedtime.
That leaves her the middle of the day for her English class and her own life, and it leaves me time to work out or get out the door for whatever the day holds.
What this really gave our family
Here is the part I did not expect. Hiring an au pair did not just solve a logistics problem. It gave me space to breathe.
Before, I was hyper vigilant about every pickup, every drop-off, every gap in coverage. I did not have margin to care for my own nervous system, let alone chase anything God had put on my heart. Now I can go do red light therapy or just take a Saturday morning nap while someone I trust holds down the fort.
That space has made me a better wife, mom, and friend.
Fernanda has also brought something we did not know we needed. She teaches our kids Portuguese words. She cooks Brazilian food on Sundays. She has her own community of au pairs from around the world, and she travels with them on her days off. Watching her build a real life here, instead of just sitting in a room waiting for her next shift, has been one of the sweetest surprises of this whole thing.
I think back to that lunch, to my friend saying "you should get an au pair," and I see it now as provision. I was asking God for help in a season that felt impossible to carry alone, and it came through an answer I never would have thought to ask for. If you are in a season like that, still waiting, still asking, I wrote about holding onto that kind of waiting inthis devotional on Psalm 46:1 for overwhelmed moms. It might meet you right where you are.
A few honest takeaways if you are considering this
Do the math against your actual local childcare costs before you decide it is too expensive. It might not be.
Ask about special needs or medical experience directly if your family needs it. Do not assume.
Write a family handbook before your au pair arrives. It will save you both from learning each other the hard way.
Give more grace and structure than you think you need in the first month. It is a big adjustment for both of you.
Remember the visa allows a maximum of two years, with a required return of about 90 days before an au pair can come back if you want to extend.
Frequently asked questions
Is an au pair cheaper than a nanny?
Often, yes, especially once you factor in flexibility. A nanny in our area runs about $30 an hour. An au pair costs a placement fee up front plus a weekly stipend and room and board, which usually lands between $1,000 and $2,000 a month after the initial cost.
How much does it cost to hire an au pair?
Expect a placement fee around $10,000 through most agencies, a weekly stipend in the $250 to $350 range, and the cost of providing food, a private room and bathroom, and any extras like a gym membership or rideshare stipend.
What questions should I ask before hiring an au pair?
Ask why they want to come to the United States, what experience they have with children, about their family background, and how they would handle specific real-life scenarios with your kids.
How many hours can an au pair work?
Up to 45 hours a week under Department of Labor rules, with one full day off weekly and one full weekend off each month.
How long can an au pair stay?
Up to two years on their visa. After that, they must return home for about 90 days before they are eligible to come back if your family wants to extend the placement.
Where this leaves us
Hiring an au pair was not the plan I had for our family. It was better than the plan I had. If you are in a season where the help you need feels out of reach or out of budget, I would encourage you to actually run the numbers and ask the questions before you rule it out.
If you're building your own village right now, whatever that looks like for your family, you are not doing it wrong just because it does not look like anyone else's.